Hey Arnold! Season 6: The Beeper Princess
by Cre8ivelybankrupt87
Summary: Big Bob's stubbornness and pride are finally about to cost his family everything. It'll take some creative thinking on the part of Arnold and Helga, and a little confidence from Miriam to save the family business.
1. Chapter 1: Fall of an Empire

_**I did love the little gag with the Patakis falling on hard times in The Jungle Movie, although the whole premise of that joke is flawed for a few reasons...**_

_**First of all, plenty of people in various professions actually DO still use pagers. They may not be mainstream but the industry is still alive today. Secondly... within the show it had been established that Big Bob's Beepers did in fact sell cell phones as well as other electronics, so the idea that Big Bob ruined the family business is a little fundamentally flawed... but still hilarious and sad at the same time.**_

_**Oh well. It's canon, so I'll work with it. Obviously I love Helga, but I love all the Patakis as characters... even Big Bob. The biggest tragedy with Helga is that she basically is her father in many ways, so it's hard fully appreciate her without understanding her dad first, even if he's a massive jerk. Some of my favorite moments on the show were when Big Bob lowered his guard and showed that like Helga he too had a heart beneath his blustery exterior. Both Bob and Helga kind of have a "kill or be killed" outlook on life, so this story is kind of humanizing for him, while still not overlooking what a jerk he is.**_

_**In an interview, Craig Bartlett suggested that the Patakis would bounce back in season 6 by appealing to... well, that's a spoiler, so I guess just read my little imagining of how Big Bob got his groove back. Enjoy.**_

* * *

The sun began to set over the dilapidated ruin that had once been one of Hillwood's most thriving enterprises. The big toothy grin of the Beeper King had long lorded over this section of the neighborhood, but now stood crumbling like the ancient ruin of a collapsed empire of old. That was more or less entirely accurate to the state of Big Bob's Beeper Emporium, a once thriving business that had kept Bob Pataki and his family living large. Alas, what Bob boasted in confidence he utterly lacked in foresight, and with the advent of mobile phones, beepers had become relegated to an ever shrinking clientele.

The store itself not only stood as a relic unused by shoppers, but now housed the Pataki family themselves after they had been forced out of their family townhouse, owing to Bob's ever shrinking pocketbook.

Standing outside the store and staring at it in a melancholy slump was Helga, Bob's youngest daughter, along with her friend and now occasional lover Arnold.

"Business hasn't turned around yet, huh?" Arnold asked.

"Gee, what gave you that idea, football head?" Helga said bitterly, "The crumbling sign? The fact that we lost our house and have to live in this dump? Or is it just basic human logic and deduction that nobody wants beepers anymore?"

"Not strictly true," Arnold said, "Apparently they're used a lot by birdwatchers…"

"Well that's got to be a huge tappable market." Helga griped. "I'll be sure to hit up the Pigeon Man."

Arnold pondered for a moment, then suggested, "What about your mom? I remember that time your dad hurt his back and she had to run things, and she…"

"Ran the business way better than he ever could, yeah yeah I remember." Helga said, "She was a first rate Beeper Queen, even if she's a fourth rate mom. Look, she's gone about a week without a smoothie, but I don't think she's in a place yet where she can save a dying business."

"I want to help, Helga." Arnold insisted.

"Well doi, you're Arnold." Helga said, "That's what you do. Help. So what's your grand plan to reanimate a corpse here?"

Arnold stumbled, "Well, I haven't thought that through yet but…"

"You haven't thought it through because you know it can't be done." Helga shouted, then said very tenderly, "But you're sweet for feeling obligated…"

Arnold shrugged, "I bet we could think of something. We've accomplished miracles before. I mean come on, you saved my long lost parents. I owe it to you to try to save your family business."

"I think we'll have better luck just opening a burger stand." Helga said, "'Big Bob's Burgers' has a certain ring to it… and there's always a market for that. Especially from me… speaking of which I'm starved. See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah," Arnold said, "Sure you don't want to come over for dinner? Grandma's making blackened catfish and rice."

"Thanks, I'll pass. I'm feeling red meat tonight." Helga said, "See ya tomorrow, Arnoldo."

She kissed his cheek and ran inside, leaving Arnold standing outside the store, feeling powerless but still wishing there was something he could do. Remaining the eternal idealist however, he felt confident a solution would present itself, hopefully before it was too late.

The next morning Helga stretched her arms as she awoke to another depressing day. She once had a room with windows that allowed the sunlight to wake her, and such was not the case in her room at the store.

"Ugh," Helga muttered, "Hopefully I just slept through school, again."

Suddenly her door burst open to reveal her father's enormous frame heaving into sight.

"Look at this room, it's a mess!" Big Bob shouted, "When was the last time you cleaned your room, little lady?"

Helga glared at him, "My 'room' is the utility closet of your antique store…" she grumbled, still rubbing her eyes.

"Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" Bob pointed a finger in her face, "As long as you're living under my roof, you'll obey my rules. Now, pick up your stuff, missy."

"At once, your majesty," Helga curtseyed sarcastically, then rolled up her sleeping bag and placed it on a shelf. She then grabbed her backpack and threw it on.

"There we go." she said, rubbing her hands, "All my worldly possessions picked up. The rest of this junk is property of and registered trademarks of Big Bob's Beepers Emporium." She walked past him and walked out the front door of the store before shouting back, "All rights reserved!"

Waiting outside stood her petite school friend Phoebe whom she stormed past. A lifetime of being Helga's friend had taught her infinite patience and tolerance for her surliness, particularly in the morning, but she couldn't help but notice that this time she appeared extra steamed off.

"You're looking especially not chipper this morning, Helga," Phoebe joked. "Is something wrong?"

"Oh something's always wrong. The fact that I'm still stuck in phase one of my plan for world domination is one, but right now it's because Big Bob's busted business is going so far south and the stupid sap is to stubborn to salvage it with a simple solution!" she grumbled.

"Oh Helga…" Phoebe said, "What alliteration! You could be a poet…"

"Not helping, Feebs." Helga groaned.

"I mean, your father could easily switch to selling a more modern brand of portable electronics couldn't he?" Phoebe suggested.

"Uh, doi, but he's clinging to beepers like 'Beeper King' is his whole identity that he's afraid to have shrivel up and die."

"You would think he'd be a little more willing to swallow his pride, given the predicament your family is currently facing," Phoebe sighed, just as Arnold and Gerald came around the corner.

"Hey girls." Gerald called out playfully. Phoebe approached him and the two of them linked hands.

Arnold walked up to Helga, and after momentarily considering trying to hold her hand thought better of it, and instead pointed to a nearby sign.

"Uh, hey look, they opened another new coffee shop." he said.

The sign red "Brew Crew," and all the patrons going in and out had a distinct look to them, which Helga took note of disparagingly.

"Sheesh, this whole city has become hipster central." Helga complained, "Bunch of flannel wearing goofs who think they're too cool for anything mainstream. What a crock." She glanced at Arnold, who himself wore a flannel shirt under his sweater and jacket, "I mean, it works on you."

"I never really thought of myself as a hipster, but…" Arnold trailed off.

"Please," Helga said, "All you're missing is the beard. And maybe some thick rimmed glasses. Otherwise I'd say you about fit the bill. It's a wonder I even tolerate you…"

"Whatever you say, Helga." Arnold rolled his eyes as the four of them trudged off to school.


	2. Chapter 2: Snake Oil Sales

The school day blew by, and Helga absorbed very little of it. Before she knew it she found herself back at the beeper store she unwillingly called home. That evening she sat at the dinner table with her mother Miriam, or at least what might have been considered a dinner table if it weren't lacking dinner.

"So where's dad, anyway?" Helga asked.

"Oh, he's trying to finish some big deal," Miriam said, sipping a glass of water, still trying to lay off the smoothies, "This clear stuff is just so… empty."

"Uh huh," Helga said, "That's the point of water, Miriam."

Suddenly the front door burst open and in stormed Bob, soaked with rain and looking dour even for him.

"How'd the deal go, B?" Miriam asked.

"How did it go? More like where did it go." Bob grumbled, "Out the window!"

"Aw, that's too bad, honey…" Miriam sighed.

"So that's the final straw then?" Helga asked, "Time to take a new approach to the way you do business?"

"Ah, what does a ten year old know about business?" Bob dismissed her.

"Twelve, Bob." Helga corrected, "And I know that selling a device that can do roughly one eighth of what other modern devices can now do isn't advisable in any market."

"That trendy stuff is all just a fad," Bob waved his hand in her face, "I've seen hundreds of other fads come and go."

"Like beepers?" Miriam put in.

"What gives? You both turning on me?" Bob glared at the two of them, "I'm the one who puts a roof over our heads, so I call the shots!"

Just as he made this claim of putting a roof over their heads, several ceiling tiles fell off and came crashing to the floor behind him, along with a support beam.

"Uh huh," Helga crossed her arms, "First we lose the house to foreclosure, then we moved into the store that's falling apart, so what's the next phase of your master plan, once we lose this dump? Rejoin the Happy Sunshine cult?"

"That's not gonna happen," Bob insisted, "I'm the king, and this is my castle. And it's gonna stand forever!"

Just as he spoke the lights flickered off, leaving the three of them in the dark.

"B, did you pay the power bill?" Miriam asked.

"With what?" Bob shouted, finally breaking down, "We're broke! Busted! It's all over! Before long we'll be on the streets with all the dirty hipsters! Or worse… we'll have to live at your little boyfriend's boarding house…"

Helga lit a candle and placed it on the table, clearly having prepared for this eventuality.

"Like Phil Shortman would ever let you live under his roof…" Helga muttered. "Seriously dad, all you have to do is branch into selling mobile phones and-"

"Oh no," Bob insisted, "I built this empire on beepers. That's our whole identity. Beepers are like family to me!"

Helga and Miriam looked at him blankly.

"At least something is." Helga mumbled.

"Well, then maybe we just need to find a new market for beepers…" Miriam suggested. "We could help…"

"You're right." Bob snapped his fingers and turned to Helga, "Olga? Tomorrow you take a crate of merchandise to school and sell them to your friends. Those saps will go for anything with the right incentive."

Helga slammed her head down on the table and rested it there. The only incentive that would get her classmates to buy a bunch of pagers would be her promising not to beat the snot out of them.

At the end of the next school day, Helga found herself standing in the hallway of PS118 near the exit next to the crate her father had sent her there with.

"Beepers here," Helga held up one of the obscure devices she was attempting to peddle, "Get your red hot beepers, here, fresh from Big Bob's Emporium to your trash can. Own a piece of authentic prehistory used by actual cavemen. Get em before they turn to dust…"

Crowds of students poured past her, occasionally snickering but more often just ignoring her. At last Arnold came wandering over, having heard her and looking fairly concerned.

"I think you ought to adopt a better sales pitch." He said.

"You're the sucker who's always trying to get me to be honest, and you can't get more honest than telling everyone how useless your product is!" she bellowed in his face, "Beepers here! Multi purpose beepers! Can be used to annoy your friends or as paper weights!"

Arnold crossed his arms, "So your dad turned to you for help and you're just trying to spite him?"

"Nope. Just giving it my best honest effort. More than what he's doing," she said, "Seriously, he's got to be the world's biggest dope to cling to these things."

Arnold considered for a moment, "Well, think about it from your dad's perspective. To him they're more than just a product, he's really passionate about beepers. It can be hard to let go of something you love even if it's considered old and obsolete."

"Right, like your neighborhood," Helga said, "Or your grandparents."

Arnold didn't even dignify that one with a response and just gave her a half-lidid stare with a frown.

"What? I'm just saying, they're old and you love them, but you have your real parents now, so that renders gram and gramps kinda… superfluous…" Helga trailed off, "Hey, Rhonda, you've got money to burn, right? Want to waste some on a nice shiny new beeper?"

Rhonda looked up from her phone and gave Helga a very skeptical look.

"Let's see, do I want an arcane piece of tech that I can't even make a phone call with…"

"Aw c'mon, voice calls are so passé these days." Helga dangled the beeper before Rhonda, "You only need to text… and this can almost do that without all the other pointless bells and whistles…"

"Can I like, comment, follow, subscribe to or hashtag anything with it?" Rhonda asked, unable to tear her eyes away from her phone.

"I mean, you can comment one way…" Helga shrugged. "You know, if you feel like trolling someone and not having to worry about the repercussions…"

"Please." Rhonda shook her head, "Your attempts to pass these things off like they still have a use in today's world is just pathetic, Helga."

"Aw, who asked you, princess?" Helga growled.

"You did," Rhonda retorted as she started to walk away, when over her shoulder she said, "And stop using the word princess like it's supposed to be insulting."

"Fine! Take one on the house!"

Helga threw the beeper in her direction, without hitting her. Arnold and Helga watched Rhonda walk away, then Helga looked around to see all the other students had gone, and she sighed in defeat.

"Well, finders keepers Big Bob's Beepers, I guess. Looks like we've had it." Helga sighed, "If we can't appeal to a market of people with more money than they know what to do with, what chance do we have? I guess it was dumb to think Princess Rhonda Lloyd would be any help… Arnold? Remember me fondly when my family ends up in a homeless shelter somewhere."

"Oh come on," Arnold said, offering her his hand, to no avail, "We've solved problems bigger than this before. We'll think of some way to save the store, we just need some fresh new idea to bring Big Bob's Beepers into the new millennium."

"The only solution I can think of for that place involves Curly and some matches," Helga sighed.

The two of them started to walk away, initiating what they both assumed would spiral into a long sad walk, but suddenly Arnold stopped dead in his tracks.

"Wait a minute… that's it!" Arnold exclaimed.

"Arnold, I was kidding." Helga protested, "We are _not_ giving Curly matches. Remember what happened last time?"

Arnold shook his head, "No, no. Helga… _you're _a princess!"

Helga glared at him, "What?"

"You're a princess!" Arnold pointed at her, "I just realized!"

"Uh huh," Helga smiled threateningly, "Call me that again, and my first royal command will be 'Off with his football head!'"

"No seriously! This is great!" Arnold said, "Your dad is the Beeper King, and your mom was once the Beeper Queen… so what does that make you?"

"Court jester." Helga muttered.

"No, you're the Beeper Princess!" Arnold said, then launched into an inspired spiel, "I think I've got a whole new advertising campaign in mind! Just think of it… the Beeper King surveys his once great but now ruined kingdom, but low and behold the beeper princess comes to save the day! Rising from the ashes of old comes the technology of tomorrow, ushering in a new age for the old business, now selling the latest mobile devices at great prices!"

"You've gone from idealist to capitalist in a very short time here…" Helga said. "That's the craziest idea I've ever heard…"

"Take it from me, sometimes crazy works." Arnold insisted, "Don't you think it's worth a shot, your highness?"

"Oh no…" Helga shook her head, and crossed her arms, "There is no way I'm dressing up in some idiotic prissy costume and branding myself the 'Beeper Princess.'"


	3. Chapter 3: The Conscience of the King

Sparkling from head to toe, Helga stood adorned in a flowing pink princess dress, complete with a tiara atop her flowing blonde hair, as Miriam brushed it.

"I cannot believe I'm dressed up in some idiotic prissy costume and branding myself the 'Beeper Princess.'" she groaned.

"Well, your sister wasn't available." Miriam said, "But don't you just look so precious, my little princess…"

Helga had spent most of her childhood feeling utterly neglected by her mother, and this kind of attention was making her appreciate that. Despite her protests, Arnold had gone to Miriam with his idea, and Miriam now unsullied by daytime smoothie drinking had bought it hook line sink. She saw it as an opportunity for the whole family to pull themselves out of the gutter, while Helga saw it as a pain in the butt. Between Arnold's idea and a potential life of poverty she decided this was only slightly less unbearable, nonetheless she had a hard time pretending to be enthused.

"Oh come on, this is so stupid!" Helga yelled, throwing her tiara to the floor, "Even if this idea of yours might work in theory, Bob will never go for it!"

"Go for what?" Came the thunderous voice of Big Bob from the other room. He stepped in wearing his bathrobe and holding a rolled up newspaper, "Hey, what's with the girl? Is it prom already? Aren't you a little young for-"

"Mr. Pataki, we thought of a great new marketing campaign to save your business!" Arnold said, "Behold, the beeper princess is here to usher in a new era for your Empire."

"What?" Big Bob roared as he waved his rolled up newspaper at them, "Is this some kinda joke?"

And then Helga finally got mad. Or at least, mad for Helga, which would be eleven on a stereo where ten was normally the highest setting. She may not have been enthused with Arnold's idea, but her father's pointless pride had brought everything crashing down around her, and if he didn't have enough respect for her or her mother to even give them a chance, then she was going to demand it.

"Dad, the only joke around here is you." Helga said firmly. "You and your pointless clinging to the past."

Bob normally would have just raged right back at her but instead he looked completely floored this time. Miriam shook her head and wagged a finger at Helga.

"Helga, don't disrespect your father," Miriam scolded, "That's what his wife is for. B, it's time to get with the times. I've decided to take charge again."

"Oh yeah?" Bob asked skeptically, "So the Beeper Queen is back too, huh? You're all deposing me?"

"Calm down, it's hardly regicide," Helga said, "And if you recall, last time you hurt your back and mom had to run the store, she was running circles around you. What do we stand to lose?"

"So I'm supposed to let my wife and daughter help run my business?" Bob hollered, "What is this? The twenty-first century?"

Arnold, Helga and Miriam looked at him with half-lidid stares.

"Oh, right… I guess it is." Bob calmed down, "My head is still stuck in the nineties sometimes. The good old days, back when beepers were a hot new commodity… back when everybody wanted what I... had to…"

To the surprise of everyone, Bob sounded sentimental and almost on the verge of tears. Arnold looked at Helga in shock, who looked equally surprised to see her father, normally so invincibly confident suddenly look completely run down and defeated.

"I know nobody wants these anymore, but…" Bob started, "I built this place from the ground up with these old things. I'm real attached to them… I'm the Beeper King, and I just want to preserve what we had."

"Dad…" Helga took her dad's hand, "When you started this business, beepers weren't some old pillar of society, they were cutting edge and new! But nothing lasts forever. Everything that's new at some point has to grow old and eventually be replaced by something new."

"I see…" Bob scratched his chin, "Like the old neighborhood, or Arnold's grandparen-"

Helga quickly cut him off as Arnold just glowered, "Look, take it from me in all my twelve year old wisdom… it's hard to admit to being wrong because your ego might burst, but really… would that be the worst thing?"

Bob stayed quiet, apparently deep in thought as if seriously considering everything they had suggested.

"Miriam, Olga, Alfred? I'm a proud man, but there comes a time in every man's life when he has to swallow his pride, and that time may have come." Bob announced.

"That time came about a year and a half ago." Helga quipped, "But I'm glad you're catching up."

"Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! No back sass, missy. What I'm saying is that… well, I've tried everything my way and that hasn't worked quite like I'd hoped it would so… I don't see what we'd stand to lose by trying your crazy idea." Bob turned to Arnold, "And this idea is crazy. But, I think I've seen enough of this kid's crazy ideas work so… I can give it a shot."  
Arnold smiled as Miriam and Helga ran to Bob and threw their arms around him.

"Aw B, this is some great progress for you…" Miriam fawned.

"Ugh, whatever." Bob groaned, then added, "As long as we can still sell beepers in some capacity…"

Arnold piped in, "I did a little research. Hospitals still use them a lot."

"I know that." Bob said harshly.

"Well, there's also restaurants, firefighters, basically anyone who has to be quiet about their communications. Maybe they're not mainstream anymore, but apparently they're really big with birdwatchers." Arnold went on.

"Give him a little credit, Arnold," Helga waved her hand, "Don't you think he's looked into-" She froze and her eyes went wide, "Say that again?"

"Say what again?" Arnold asked. "That birdwatchers still use them?"

"No the thing before that?" she said.

"Restaurants, firefighters," Arnold shrugged, "And hospitals, even if they're not used by the public."

"The public," Helga said raising a finger, "But what did you call 'the public' before?"

"Um," Arnold thought, "The mainstream?"

Helga wrung her hands together as if she had thought of a diabolical scheme and laughed wickedly.

"I think Hillwood might be home to just the right demographic that we haven't tapped yet…" Helga grinned, "You know, maybe I could get used to this princess thing. Might finally be time for phase two of my plan for world domination… time to hit the coffee shop."


	4. Chapter 4: Big Bob Gets His Groove Back

The commercial began with old footage of one of Bob's ads from the nineties. A chorus of dancers in a line all sang the classic Big Bob's Beepers commercial jingle. Big Bob, dressed in his robe and crown burst onto the scene.

_It's Big Bob's Beepers, he's the king!_

_Big Bob's Beepers, ting, ting ting!_

Suddenly the scene burst into flames and in the wake of the grand spectacle of pageantry there lay a ruined wasteland, littered with pagers as far as the eye could see across a barren landscape.

"In the beginning there was Big Bob's Beepers… now from the ashes Rises Big Bob's Beepers and Phones!"

The lavishly dressed queen and princess helped the king to his feet, and fireworks burst into the air all around them. A new line of the cheapest performers they could find, in the form of all of Helga's classmates and Arnold's grandparents appeared all singing out of tune in a disastrously charming spectacle.

_Big Bob's Beepers… and phones!_

"That's right, the Beeper Empire is boldly venturing into the twenty-first century." the queen said, "We've got great deals on everything from smartphones to portable electronic games!"

"And if you're too cool for the mainstream gizmos, or can't be bothered with all this current crap, then return to a simpler time and be retro cool with our classic beepers." The Beeper Princess said, holding up a pair of pagers.

The king himself stepped forward and bellowed, "So come on down to Big Bob's Beepers, boldly leaping into the future, while still keeping the dream of the nineties alive here in Hillwood!"

The royal family struck a victorious pose just as the image flickered to black.

Big Bob switched off his brand new flatscreen and grinned. Throwing on his cape and crown, he stepped out of the lounge into the bustling storefront. Everyone and their grandma had shown up for the grand reopening, and the heaviest population of customers were bearded guys with thick glasses wearing plaid, all clamoring over each other to get their hands on their pagers.

"Dumb ironic hipsters." Bob said to himself, "I love these guys. And with that new coffee shop open right across the street, they'll be coming in droves all the time."

Bob hadn't been able to hire back any employees yet, but Miriam and Arnold were running the registers as Olga, home from college for the weekend, attempted to attend to the demanding customers, clearly getting overwhelmed.

"Daddy…" Olga wailed, "Why couldn't I be the princess?"

"What? Oh yeah, sure, next commercial, whatever." Bob said, "C'mon Olga, we've got customers."

As Olga went back to work, Bob picked up a smartphone in one hand and a beeper in the other, then turned to Arnold and smiled.

"A little of the old and a little of the new," he mused, "Thanks for the idea, little guy."

"I just hope Helga's new title isn't going to her head…" Arnold said.

Atop the roof of the emporium, Helga stood still garbed in her princess costume and yelling into a bullhorn at the lines of people outside. Arnold's grandmother Gertie, always game for a little role-play, stood guard at the front door dressed in a royal guardsman's uniform, only allowing a few in at a time into the jam-packed store. Behind Helga stood a new display, with the enormous faces of the Beeper King, Queen and Princess' faces all grinning widely.

"All hail the Beeper Princess!" Gertie yelled from below.

"Yes, bow before me, the beeper princess!" Helga shouted into the megaphone, "Come forth loyal subjects and give alms unto the royal family, that you might in return receive great deals on all your mobile device needs! Remember, we'll beat any advertised price, unless it's lower! We're cutting off the heads of prices everyday at Big Bob's Beepers and Phones Emporium! Bow to me! Bow to me!"

The End

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_**Uh oh. Bob is (very) slowly changing for the better, but Helga is proving she really is her father's daughter. I had considered an alternate ending where Bob agreed to the Beeper Princess idea with one proviso, that Olga fill that role, and then Helga would have showed up in the commercial as a court jester looking bitter as ever. I decided the idea of Helga going mad with power as usual was funnier.**_

_**I realize I'm going slowly backwards with my little season 6 project, but that's kind of how I roll... someday new readers can look the over in order.**_


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